Day 13 – Paramo Drama

June 16 – 10:44pm

I’m started to get the gut feeling that it’s all downhill from here…

Today was another frustrating day. Breakfast kind of sucked and for some odd reason, Jack felt the need to say, “You’re not a morning person are you?” I was just like “WTF?” Just because I wasn’t talking, I’m not a morning person? I’m not here for his entertainment and frankly I’m sick of being the one forced to start conversations and to make decisions. It’s really fucking frustrating. Like really.

We woke up early to catch the 7:30am bus. From there, we picked up Alberto. This bus ride sucked. We were stuck standing for an hour and my arms were so sore. Jack and I are not on common ground and the levy has been about to break for the last week. He’s just difficult to be around and I feel like he doesn’t pay attention to anyone else. On the bus, he just pushes his huge ass backpack into peoples faces. I tried letting him know and that only got me a smart-ass remark about how “It’s a bus and it happens.” In my head, I was like, “Well, it’s still rude…”

Paramo is beautiful, but it’s actually the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Apparently, my lungs were not made for this altitude and they’re too used to un-clean air. On Paramo, the air is so pure and so very clean. It actually makes it hurt to breathe. I apparently got altitude sickness, because I became very dizzy and fatigued and couldn’t feel my feet. I didn’t even want to go past the 1st station because it was only getting worse as we went up. However, my fellow male volunteers felt that they had to put their two cents in…

Dan: I’ve been smoking since I was 15. If I can do it, you can do it.

Jack: Don’t you think you’re just psyching yourself out.

Dan: I think you can fight through it.

I didn’t fucking want to fight through it. It hurt so bad to breathe and I couldn’t walk too long without falling. It was just bad and all I really wanted was for them to say, “Okay, take it easy. See you soon.” I didn’t need a pep-talk every ten seconds.

So, I made it to 6 out of 7 stations and I was so proud of that. Luckily, Sarah stuck by me the entire time and we both ended up stopping at the 6th station. It was pretty great of her and I really appreciate her doing that.

After walking back down through Paramo and getting even dizzier, Sarah and I caught the most terrifying ride ever. It was literally a near death experience. The driver drove on like the edge of the cliffs and drove like 80 on sharp turns. We’re lucky to be alive. It was like an hour ride down the mountain and we planned on getting out at Alberto’s house because we were so terrified. But… that didn’t happen. When we got to Alberto's house, he jumped out and talked to the driver and we were like, “LET US OUT!!!” and since he doesn’t speak English… that didn’t work. So, he abandoned us on the truck ride from hell. From that point, the ride only got worse because the driver kept picking up speed every chance he could. We were nearly decapitated by tree branches about 3 or 4 times. I don’t think we were ever so happy as when he stopped in Pucara and we got to jump out and walk the 5 minutes to the house.

We told the guys about this and they of course thought we were exaggerating and had to make some stupid smart-ass comments. I finally got to the point where I was like, “Whatever. Alright, that’s enough.” From here on, it was pretty much all fighting words between Jack and I. Everything I said, he felt the need to make a fucking comment on it. He even brought up me giving the dog in Apuela a couple crackers and how they weren’t my crackers to give. Then, who’s crackers are they? I even said this. I was like, “I gave the dog 4 crackers and gave you and Dan the rest of them. Did your stomach miss those 4 crackers?” He said yes and I was like, “Well, I think the dog’s stomach was far more empty than yours.”

And this is where it went down… He had the nerve to say, “It’s not like you would know the feeling.” This caught me by complete surprise and I asked him what the fuck that meant and he proceeded to say that I seem to be doing pretty well. Basically, he called me fat. From there, I didn’t say anything and just took a drink.

Jack: I’m sorry. I don’t know why there’s so much hostility in the air.
Me: I don’t know why either. What’s your fucking problem?
Jack: I feel like you talk to me in a condescending way and that you don’t feel like I’m your peer. I feel like you tell me what to do sometimes. (*I don’t feel like he’s my peer… not anymore.*)
Me: Please, give me an example. Explain this.
Jack: Today on the bus with the bag and you telling me about it.
Me: I felt like you were being rude and I wasn’t sure if you were aware of your bag being in that little old ladies face.
Jack: Well, let me deal with my own consequences then.
Me: Fine, whatever. I won’t help you anymore. I feel like I’ve done nothing but be nice to you and help you with as much as I possibly can. I’ve helped you with uploading and transporting pictures. I’ve helped you with your dissertation. I’ve helped you call home. Why would I do that if I didn’t like you? That’s called being two-faced.
Jack: Well, I can’t tell if you are or not.
Me: Again, that’s fine. I won’t help you anymore.
Jack: No, no, no. That’s not what I want.
Me: Well, that’s what it sounds like.

This is clearly proof that I’m too nice.

And, then I walked away and went up to the room. Maybe two minutes later, he’s knocking on my door, wanting to apologize. I wasn’t having it, so I ignored him. Then, when I went down to help dry dishes, he was waiting for me and wanted to talk. Again, I wasn’t having it and told him I needed time. Then, he like went up in his room by himself and sulked. It made me feel a shit ton better.

I felt terrible for Dan and Sarah. It must have been very awkward for them. When I went to dry some dishes, Dan was like, “You should really talk to him.” I told Dan that we both just needed to move on and get over it. To this, Dan said, “Okay, then.” More attitude…

When I went to walk back upstairs, Jack was there waiting and was like, “Please, just hear me out.” Since, I didn’t have much of a choice, I just sat down.

Jack: I just want you to know I didn’t mean anything I said. That was nothing. I’ve been thinking and I realized that you’re such a nice person and that I was wrong. You’re so nice and so helpful and I should have taken that into account before I said anything. It just seems like miscommunication.
Me: It’s not a big deal. I’m fine. I know I’m a nice person and I think the issue is I’m too nice.
Jack: There’s nothing wrong with being too nice. (*Yes, there is. People take advantage of it when they can and then stab you in the back later.*)
Jack: Don’t change at all.
Me: Let’s just let it go and move on.

From there, we all played a couple rounds of cards and I just let myself simmer down a bit. I just didn’t feel like dealing with it anymore. I just don’t want to deal with him anymore. He’s so irritating. Nearly everything he does irritates the living shit out of me now. I’m hoping the Otavalo weekend will help clear the air a bit.

Ready to come back home… I miss Ben. I miss having him around to vent to. I just miss him altogether. I feel like I’m missing a huge part of my life. He’s my best friend, the love of my life, and the only person who actually just listens. I know he’s always in my corner and I just miss having that.

Tired of biting the bullet for strangers.

Ashley